So recently I just met a psychologist back at home. I felt really strange since I have moved to Germany, at first I thought it was just me adapting with stuffs there. But, this terrible mood swings have occurred for quite some times and it was really annoying for me. I dont like feeling annoyed for no reason in front of my friends. They didnt even do anything wrong, I didnt know why it happened, basically I just didnt understand what is happening to me.
I started to have nightmare. Most of them are about my terrible experience with my ex and for quite some times, I didnt even want to sleep because I was too scared to sleep. I dont want to have nightmare, it led me to sleep deprivation which, of course, resulted in shitty shitty mood. I felt miserable, tired and annoyed. Sometimes I felt empty and numb, I dont know how to explain it. It’s just… empty. I was just there and confused. It felt like everything moved real fast but I was just there, standing still.
I have always celebrated the date of my break up with my ex, because I was really happy that I can finally break it off for real after a very tiring 4 years of on off relationship. Last December, it was the 6th year. My friend, Hanif, said, “if you are still celebrating it, it means you havent moved on yet.” That got me thinking. Huh, I thought I have though? I never really tried to understand myself, my own feelings and emotions. I dont like showing emotions apart from my default happy-go-lucky kind of person. I think I feel that it’s some kind of weakness. So, questions like this always got me think more and dig more. Then I decided that I will not celebrate it anymore. Doesnt mean I am looking for a relationship now and wont celebrate it again because I have a new partner, no no. I want to move on. It took me 6 years to actually make a move. Wow hahahha.
Anyway, after meeting the psychologist I found out that I am traumatised by my previous relationship which resulted in commitment/trust issue. I also feel disgust about myself so I need to reconcile with myself as well. And apparently I dont pay attention to myself enough (well, duh) so she told me to do this journaling thingy to understand myself better and to know the reason behind my mood swings etc. So here you go guys, my journey to understand myself better. I might or might not post some of my journal here, I dont really have any clear plan on it so we will see.
I’ve been pretty occupied lately with packing etc. Eh, it took me a reaaaaalllllyy long time because I watched the CrossFit Games at the same time. Hahaha. Wow I cant believe it that I am going to move abroad soon. I hope my VISA is issued soon (praying real hard).
Yesterday I went to morning class (8 am). WOW. Morning. Class. What a rare sight of me going to the box at the morning right? And it was Sunday. I usually still on my bed, hugging my pillow by that time hahha. So lately, I have been working out at the box again and I noticed some things. My body of course started to change again due to working out, more proper sleep pattern/duration, kind of healthier diet etc. BUT I dont really pay attention to my body that much anymore now. Like okay, it changed that’s nice but it’s not my first priority anymore.
I wont lie. Of course I want that “perfect body” and I used to working out with that as my goal. My sole goal. But not anymore now! I find the changes in my body as a bonus. I, now, work out because I find it fun and it’s great for my health. Of course I still need to improve several aspects, for example my strength and endurance are still not that good but I am still working on it. Because I used to do it for “the perfect body,” when I didnt see the results, I just felt down and upset. Now, not anymore! I barely pay attention to those changes 😀
So yesterday was the beginning of CrossFit Games 2019. Wooopp! This is actually the first time I watch the games. I’ve been doing CrossFit (on off) for a year now but this year I started to watch the game as well. The main reason why I’m so excited for CF Games this year is because it’s the first time that Indonesia competes with other athletes from all over the world
HOW COOL IS THAT RIGHT?!
Our first time in CrossFit Games!
There are 2 athletes that passed the Open this year which are Mahendra Arditirta and Citra Ramaniya. Mahendra is from local box in Indonesia (CrossFit 6221) while Citra is based in Germany (CrossFit Limburg). Woooo you guys made Indonesia proud!
When I watched the game (sadly I didn’t watch all of them on the first day as I overslept, eh, time zone differences guys) I was really amazed. In my opinion the WODs were hard and the time cap was pretty short. I remember that on Men Event 1 Heat 1 (which Mahendra was in), there was only one athlete that finished the WOD which was Ben Smith from the US.
Kudos to all of the athlete! Around 50% have not passed the cut but hey, they are already the fittest from their countries and it’s such an amazing achievement for them to be able to compete on international competition. So again, congrats to all athlete that has passed the cut and also congrats to all athlete who has been able to compete in this game!